February 5, 2018
I spend a lot of time analyzing my relationship with Jeff. I figure a lot of things out about me. And Jeff. And me and Jeff. Just like in my writing, the beliefs of the subconscious make their appearance in unexpected ways, but usually at exactly the right time.
I created the Married Man Rules. I took my cues from Jeff, of course, but I’m the one that put them to paper and put them in the book. I’m the one that follows them. But there’s been a shift. A clear shift that neither Jeff nor I have labeled out loud. I have inferred there’s been some sort of change in the rules of engagement, but, naturally, Jeff is not going to validate or refute an assertion like that. But that’s an assumption. I need to start looking at my assumptions. Because there has been a shift. Things are changing. And I sense, although I am afraid to say this out loud even here, the shift is in my favor.
Since there’s been a shift, perhaps I have some freedom to alter the Married Man Rules. I authored them, I tend to them. If I see a change in the dynamic and that change is in my best interest, why would I hesitate to make that change? It may be safe for me to actually think I have some rights in this relationship. That’s actually terrifying to put to paper.
I’ve never allowed myself to fantasize, at least not at any length, about the possibility that Jeff and I might ever be a couple in real life. But the thought has crossed my mind a few times over the past few days. If Jeff emailed me today and said, “Hello Hello Hello, I just moved out of the house”, what would I do? I don’t really know what I’d do. Or do I? I think I’d do whatever Jeff wanted me to do. Ya, that’s right. I always do whatever Jeff wants me to do. Pretty much. Mostly because I fear losing him if I don’t. But is even that an assumption?
I’ve pushed on the boundaries quite a bit over time and he hasn’t walked away yet. Why not? Does he like being challenged? Does he appreciate my transparency? My lack of fear in calling him out on his shit? Well, it’s not lack of fear. I do it very fearfully, but I do it because I’m compelled to do it out of my love for him. Does he see that dynamic? He must.
I know all couples engage in a subtle dance, where the balance of power is continually being tested and pushed on and adjusted. And not always subtly. Yet I’ve told myself from the get I don’t want him to leave his family. I’ve told myself over and over the affair is what I want. Just the affair.
I said this to a friend just a few days ago:
“I don't want him to leave his family, actually, I like it the way it is. I just want to see him more. And I want to find someone that is right for me and doesn't cheat. Jeff cheats. I don't know if I could ever feel comfortable being with him as a couple, let alone as a wife. Jeff is a best friend and a lover, not the husband I want.”
I have always believed I have no power in our relationship, I have no rights. But maybe I don’t really believe that deep down. Maybe I don’t really act as deferentially as I perceive. Maybe we’ve always been on a more equal footing than I’ve allowed myself to believe.
And if that’s a valid possibility, maybe that’s what Jeff likes about me – the continual reciprocal dance of two near equals. And pushing on down this line of reasoning, maybe it’s because I’m always telling Jeff he’s in control that allows him to feel safe with me. Maybe he likes to believe I always defer, which is what I assert over and over, when in reality, I push on him in subtle and often not subtle ways. He has bought the illusion that he’s in complete control of the relationship, yet he’s as charmed by my intelligence, strength and determination as any man might be.
I now see I’ve worked very very hard, for a very long time and seemingly very successfully, to build out this quite beautiful and rather robust relationship with a married man. Which is akin to building a house of cards on sand. Wonderful. Just fucking wonderful.
I need to stop sleeping with men because I can’t have Jeff. I need to stop sleeping with men so I can tell Jeff about it. I need to stop sleeping with men. I need to stop.