January 31, 2023
Well, I’m still with David. What does “with David” mean? Hmmmm…..
It means I’m trying to figure out who he is, get a better look into his spirit, his character, figure out what it is he wants. I’m trying a lot harder to figure out what he wants than he is, or so it seems most times. I’m often asking pointed questions, digging in, being quite direct, pushing him and pushing him. It’s painful for me and most certainly painful for him. Not quite sure why he’s putting up with it, frankly.
I was telling him, again, how troubling it is to me he struggles with expressing love in words.
“When you’re with someone for a long time, the things you think you can overlook at first, they become the things upon which resentments build and they are no longer things you’re able to overlook. I’m trying to decide if your reluctance to express love is going to be something I can overlook. Because I’m trying, but I’m not doing a good job of overlooking it now.”
“There are more ways to express love than just words,” David replied.
True. True. True. I’m the one that’s always saying love is a CHOICE, love is an ACT, love is a VERB. So why am I so focused on wanting to hear it? Needing to hear it? Well, several reasons.
FEAR
We were full steam ahead, and I mean full steam ahead when David pulled back three weeks ago. There’s been a lot of negotiating and renegotiating since then but we’re still negotiating. Negotiating is not very much fun. I really want to stop the negotiations and get back to just enjoying being with him, and not treating every fucking thing like it’s serious as a goddamned heart attack. Ya. As if. I’m Coco. It does not come natural for me to just go with the flow. I’m a big fan of the idea of living in the moment but find it nearly impossible to do so. But if I don’t pull back a bit, relax a bit, and have some fun with this guy, he will for sure walk. And I won’t blame him one bit. Because I make even my own self tired in this relentless pursuit of finding the keys to ensure this is going to work and some assurance that I won’t get hurt. Because that’s kind of it right there --- I’m afraid I’m going to get hurt. Which is silly. I’m the one who is always proclaiming about the total and complete lack of guarantees in life. I’m the one who’s always proclaiming I refuse to allow fear to drive my life’s decisions. I’m the one that fucking knows better!
INSECURITY
I’m having a devil of a time getting over the fact he’s a health-conscious vegetarian who exercises daily AND I’M JUST NOT. I’m not completely devoid of concern for my health. I have medical conditions that I aggressively manage with medication. I have always eaten a high protein low carb diet. I’m not perfect at it by any stretch, but I have maintained a 50 pound weight loss for several months, now, and need to cut back a bit more to continue losing. It might not look like I’m making positive progress with regards to my health, but I am. I know I am, and that’s what matters most. But when I compare appearances of what I do with what David does, it's mortifying. I can only wonder what he must think of me. And that’s the problem. Instead of being secure within myself about the progress I know I’m making, I wonder what he thinks of me. I know I’m doing what is good and right for me, but what must he think of me? I can’t help feeling he must judge me for being so unlike him. In my heart of hearts, I know it’s highly unlikely he judges me at all. It's far more likely he sees my spirit and is encouraged by how diligently I work to better myself. He most likely admires me for who I am, for being true to who I am, for overcoming so much, for being so strong. But you see, he doesn’t say any of that. Knowing what I think I know of him, I think he thinks that, but I just don’t know. And not knowing makes me afraid.
You Teach People How to Treat You
I’ve done so poorly at setting expectations in past relationships. I’ve paid an incredibly high price, getting involved with abusive men and staying in abusive relationships for years, hoping against hope for positive change. It doesn’t happen. It doesn’t work. Hope is not a strategy. So, now I’ve gotten really strong about asserting myself, and not putting up with any perceived bullshit. The thing is, David isn’t a bullshitter. He may not always know what he wants, how he feels, how to articulate a response to one of my pointed probing questions, but he doesn’t lie. He just responds, “I don’t know.” Instead of letting it be for a time, I push in. Not nice, not fair. But I’m so afraid I’m going to settle again; I turn conversations into fucking inquisitions. I’ve come full circle here, again, back to that root issue: FEAR.
There you have it. I’ve no answers, really. Suggestions appreciated.
And in the interim, I Persevere. And life goes on.
Photo by Maria Teneva on Unsplash
