September 17, 2022
Journal Entry
I googled “the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else” and came across this article about rebound relationships. When I was reading, the idea I might be with someone besides Don literally nauseated me. I’ve been sick to my stomach every time I think of Don for over a month now, ever since Don met his Person.
I thought I’d made some progress today, but nope, still having the same visceral reaction to losing him as a lover. I haven’t lost him as a friend, in fact our friendship has deepened over the last month. I fully realize that trade-off is far more valuable and enduring than this fleeting period of grieving. That gives me great comfort.
I don’t like that this grieving persists. I’m fearful of how long I might carry this pain. With Jeff, it was well over four years. I can’t go through that again. Well, I can, I’ve successfully weathered all the bad shit up until now. I firmly reject the notion I might be in that much pain for that long over Don. There are things I can do to mitigate the suffering and propel me forward and I’m doing them.
I’m back to online dating. I have very very mixed feelings about dabbling back in that world. It does feel like a step backward in my evolution. I also know it’s very likely not one of the things that propel me forward. There’s no other way to categorize it than an addiction. Addictions are inherently unhealthy. But this is a relatively innocuous addiction. I may be minimizing, but I don’t think so. I’m always checking now to see if I’m minimizing because I was accused of that over and over in the ER during the four days I spent there waiting for a psych bed.
I’m attracting the same sorts of men, opportunistic men in their 30s. I’m not the woman I was, so it’s not as appealing as it used to be. I still like being wanted and being wanted by very young men is a major Ego high. But to go back and actually act on that stuff, I simply don’t want to do that. Now I say that, but don’t hold it against me if I do. It’s hard not to go back to my favorite dessert, even though the sugar high always wore off and left me hungrier than before. Even knowing that full well, I may opt for short-term gratification. I don’t know yet. So far, I’ve not matched with anyone interesting enough to meet. We’ll see. I just know enough to never say never. I also know enough to know it’s not a solution to anything. There is no redeeming virtue in that lifestyle. Wow. Sex positive Coco just said that. Interesting.
I met someone between the ER and the psych hospital; I connected with him in an amazingly serendipitous manner. Since meeting him, I’ve plotted out some ways in which I might reach out to him. When I start ruminating on that, there’s a voice in my head that says, “Why don’t you leave it to me, Coco? I have a plan.” Is it Spirit? I don’t always know. Maybe it’s just my higher smarter self telling me to cool it and give myself a bit of time to re-acclimate and forge a new path.
Said individual may already know of my interest. But does it matter? If Spirit is running the show, I needn’t be concerned about anything. You know what? Spirit is running the show. I simply need to remember to step out of Her way. I needn’t be concerned about anything. Pffft. I wish I was enlightened enough to hold that mindset consistently.
I've so far to go, so much work to do. Thankfully, I've many lifetimes to get it right. Knowing that has really taken the pressure off. Instead, I just keeping putting one foot in front of the other, one step at a time. I'll finish what it was I set out to finish in this lifetime. Of that I am certain.
Today is the one-year anniversary of receiving my herpes diagnosis. That was a very very difficult day. In the lookback, I can’t help but be incredibly proud of what I’ve accomplished since that day.
The crowning achievement was getting Don to get tested and test negative. If he hadn’t been on that reddit site he never had any reason to be on, and I hadn’t been on the reddit site because I was newly diagnosed and trying to figure out who I was, if he hadn’t stepped outside his comfort zone and messaged me, he’d still be stuck hating himself.
And what about me? I wouldn’t be in such pain right now, but I also wouldn’t have him as one of my best friends. And that would be tragic. There are no coincidences, there are no accidents. Everything happens for a reason. What we’ve brought to one another simply by having crossed paths is nothing short of miraculous.
The blog post, A completely boring HERPES educational blog post that you should absolutely read anyway, has 3,186 views as of right this moment. That’s 3,186 people that know enough about herpes to make healthy sexual choices for the rest of their lives. That’s 3,186 people that have been presented the opportunity to put herpes in its rightful place as a “nuisance skin condition”. I did that. I made a difference.
Yes, I had a recent derail, but I’m back on track. The hospitalization wasn’t something that caused me to lose ground. It was something that very much propelled me forward in self-knowledge and self-growth. As awful as it was, and it was truly awful, I wouldn’t trade it. As always, the singular truth I cling to is fully at work and clearly apparent:
The bad things make me better.
I’m tired, though. I’m very very tired. A little sad. The meds I’m on now are pretty heavy duty, they do make me tired. Maybe it’s just the meds. I don’t know. I don’t know. I do know enough, now, to hold firm in the knowledge I'll never fall so far without registering how far I've fallen again.
I asked Katrina if she knew I'd gotten really sick, if she could tell I was so close to self-harming. She did. I asked her what I did that caused her to sense danger.
"It was the Klonipin. You kept taking more Klonipin and making jokes about taking more Klonipin," she said.
Motherfucking Klonipin. I fucking HATE that stuff.
I wish I had one of my usual nice tidy bows to end this post with. I can't think of one right now. So I'll use my tried and true:
I Persevere. And life goes on.
“Truth is everybody is going to hurt you: you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for.” - Bob Marley
