When you constantly want something, and you’re constantly looking for it, or even worse, trying to make it happen, you are unlikely to be successful. Always striving for something puts you in a constant state of lack. When you’re always looking at what you don’t have, you risk not seeing a gift when it presents.
Don’t do what I did for so much of my life and attempt to manufacture a long-term romantic relationship. My need to hold onto my fairy tale romance notions had devastating consequences. I didn’t know how to let a relationship flow, how to let it play out as it was intended.
That’s not to say I fucked everything up. I didn’t. We all make choices based on the information we have at any moment in time. I didn’t see it, I didn’t know. It’s only in the last few years I’ve figured a lot of this out, and I’m 59 years old! I’m a different person now. I’m more whole. I’ve healed and grown and changed. I’m so so so much better. Plus, I like myself a hell of a lot more.
I resist the temptation to view those years of suffering as wasted time. No time is ever wasted. You always learn. Always. It takes as long as it takes, but once you’ve got hold of the truth, you can never unknow the truth.
I’ll tolerate a bit of bullshit at the outset of a relationship, but if it’s steady, I walk away. And I walk away pretty much right away. I didn’t used to walk away because I didn’t think I deserved to be treated with kindness, dignity and respect. Now, I know I do. But it took a long long time to get hold of that truth, and I suffered greatly. It’s in the lookback we recognize the areas where we can make healthier, more self-respecting choices moving forward.
I used to fantasize about going back to those places where I believed I’d made a wrong choice and choose differently. Only in the last while, I’ve come to realize I’d likely find all new ways to mess things up! None of us has the luxury of circumventing messy ugly painful stuff. Shit happens. But it’s the messy ugly painful stuff that changes us and allows us to mature and gain wisdom.
Make the choice to push through a painful experience. That’s really all you need to do. And when you’re out the other side, honor yourself for persevering. We all experience heartbreak, yet not all of us weather it successfully. Consciously decide to push through, put one foot in front of the other, and stay open to the lesson. Just know, once you’ve knocked out one life lesson, there’s always another waiting to ambush!
The good news is, you have control over how you frame everything you do and everything that happens. You are the one who decides to attribute “good” or “bad” to the choices you make and the experiences you have. I’ve come to accept the bad times, because I’ve learned the bad times don’t last. But I’ve especially gotten hold of the truth: THE BAD THINGS MAKE ME BETTER.
An excerpt from my book How To Do Single With Dignity & Grace, available on Amazon.