Put any two people together in any type of relationship under any type of conditions and there is going to be conflict. It’s inevitable. There are ways to effectively manage conflict without doing serious damage to one another. No one is perfect at this, but you can aim for conflict resolution strategies proven to work.
Talk to your partner about how you respond to conflict during a time when you are not experiencing conflict.
How was conflict handled in your family of origin?
Do you hold your ground until there is a resolution that you find satisfactory?
Do you follow the adage “don’t let the sun go down on your anger”?
Are you unable to let something go until you’ve convinced the other person to share your point of view?
Must you always feel heard?
Do you avoid conflict and withdraw or walk away?
Recognize the places you are different. When conflict arises, remain aware of your differences, and allow your partner the dignity of being true to who he is.
Develop a set of guidelines for managing conflict before you are engaged in conflict! Here are some suggestions:
Decide on how long you’re going to allow an argument to last.
Agree on who it’s OK and not OK to witness you arguing.
Share how you want to be treated when you’re in your conflict response mode. If you’re a person who shuts down, ask your partner to recognize that behavior and allow you some time to think things through and calm yourself before picking back up with the discussion.
Don’t manipulate your partner into doing or saying something he doesn’t want to do or say.
Don’t shame your partner.
Don’t condescend.
No yelling, no name calling, no violence.
Recognize you’re not responsible for your partner’s emotional reactions if you’re adhering to the boundaries to which you’ve both previously agreed. Don’t buy into it when your partner says, “You made me cry!”
Don’t apologize just to appease your partner or end an argument. If you can’t resolve an argument, find another way to stop arguing, even if it’s temporary. Take a time-out or agree to revisit the topic after a specified amount of time has passed. Empty apologies mean nothing and resolve nothing.
These are some of the things that work for me. Your set of guidelines might be very different.
Certain behaviors are pretty much guaranteed to deescalate conflict — controlling voice tone and volume, paying attention to the words you use, and keeping your partner’s best interests at heart.
*An excerpt from my book, How To Do Single With Dignity & Grace, available on Amazon.