P.S. My post-modern theology professor said anytime we put something in quotes, we’re “contesting” it. Do you agree with “that”?

January 24, 2024

Email to Cinci Joe:

This is a pic of my age appropriate pen pal who lives in ---. He has a doctorate and he’s a professor and has a successful career in business. He’s sexy and he’s a lot of fun and he’s single and he’s old like me. But he lives in ---. For goodness’ sake.

He follows my blog. That’s how we connected. So he knows the Full Coco.

Cinci Joe:

You Go Guuuurrrrl! Do you think you’ll meet him?

Me:

He lives in ---! So probably not. He's really hot though, for an old guy. With a tummy. Well, not a big one. I like that, though. Tummies. Perfection is just not sexy, I don't think.

But then I wonder, if he lived locally, what would I want? How would I feel? Would I want to get involved with someone, intensely involved, again? And the answer is NO. I wonder if I ever will again. It sure doesn't feel like it right now. That fucking David. What an asshole.

But I do believe, well, I did used to believe, falling in love just happens with the “right person". But more recently, I have come to believe I can control "falling in love". I think that's something you only want when you still believe in "happily ever after". If you don't want that, if you just want a fulfilling friendship with some hot sex, that's what you'll have.

I don't want to share my cool little apartment with anyone. I love all the flowers and all the pink. I want to have leftover steak and mashed potatoes from last night's dinner for breakfast and pancakes for dinner. I want to take two naps if I feel like it and not have anyone question or even wonder about my behavior. I want to leave the bed unmade, so it looks and feels like a nest, because that’s how I like it. I want to sleep in the middle of the bed, and I don’t want to have to worry about lying still. I want to stay in my pajamas and study all day in the quiet, with Tabitha sleeping beside me. I don’t want to think to check my hair in the mirror to make sure it's not sticking straight up. (I like to leave it that way so when I get a glimpse of myself in the bathroom, I can have a good chuckle.)

There are so many other things you can do as a single person that you have to think through if someone else is in your space. Ugh.

But then there’s the sex thing. And it is nice to hold hands sometimes. And there’s nothing so nice as hearing, “I love you.” It’s super bonus if you can send him to do the car bullshit, like get the oil changed.

And yet, I don’t believe the trade-off is worth it, not anymore. I no longer believe romantic relationships are sustainable long-term. Even my friends with “good marriages" are tired. And bored. And they don’t have sex anymore. And they wish they’d done things differently, but they up and went and took VOWS. Before GOD. Crimony. Why would anyone actually ever do that? Do they not get that “’til death do us part” can be a hell of a long time?

I wonder if that stupid stint with David was my last "serious relationship"... ever.