December 24, 2024
I wish I knew what it was like not to fight depression constantly. Or have the kind that is episodic, periodic, absent for extended periods of time. But I don’t. I don’t want to be involved romantically with anyone ever again. It always ends, at least it always has up until now, and the pain is excruciating. That pain inevitably puts me in that dark place, and for a very long time. It’s such a fight to come out of it. Breakup pain is absolutely devastating. And it is the always outcome; hope dashed, a heart sick.
Plus, it’s just easier to fight the depression without having my life, my existence, defined in terms of being part of a couple. I get to do what I want to do, what I need to do, to manage my condition, without having to hide things or pretend because I don’t want to disappoint a partner. You may be thinking I wouldn’t have to hide those parts of myself from a partner who truly loved me and accepted me as I am, but I would.
No one wants to be around someone who is constantly fighting the sad, constantly in danger of slipping into the dark. And who often does slip into the dark. It must be terrifying to see. It’s exhausting for me to live like this, it’s exhausting to watch for those who love me. It’s not that I fear losing those relationships, it’s that I respect people too much to continuously subject them to watching me deal with the torture of my broken brain.
Today is a bad day. Bad day. It’s all just a bit too much, today. Is it because it’s Christmas time? Maybe. I have to pack up and go see mom today. I’m struggling with it. I’m fighting the urge to just lie, tell her I’m sick, put it all off until tomorrow. But I might not feel this way all day and then the lie would keep me here, alone, and then I’d regret the lie. But maybe not. Most of the time when I lie to protect myself, it’s better. So, I’m giving it another hour.
I have written each of the small tasks I need to do to get up and going on a notecard.
Shower
Dress
Gather dirty clothes
Pack
Garbage out
Car
Jewelry supplies
Laptop
Literally. Every single discreet little task, I write it down. Because then I have a notecard, and I can cross out the things I’ve accomplished. And by some miracle, that makes it easier to do the next thing on the list.
I already crossed off car, meaning clean out and organize the car, because I’m not going to do it. I’m only doing the bare minimum today. I’ll shower — perhaps the hardest task — but I’ll make a deal with myself to do the minimum shower — no full body scrub down. It’s just too much. Is that disgusting? Perhaps. To you. But you’ve no sense of what it’s like to live with this impending darkness constantly hanging overhead. It’s an impossible way to live.
I Persevere. And life goes on.