February 13, 2025
Jeff,
Sorry to send this from a stealth email address, but I wanted to make sure you got it.
I can't believe I've survived seven years beyond the absolute worst day of my entire life. And probably the absolute worst day of your entire life as well. It's been touch and go, and I don't know if I'll ever be free from wanting to just leave this world. It's a very painful place and I have suffered greatly.
I'm stable right now. I'm living in an apartment in Portland. I have had some relationships and some dalliances in the last seven years but nothing has panned out. I've come to embrace my singleness. It just seems so complicated to think about joining my life with another person. And I've gotten by this far on my own. From the looks of things, from looking at my friends, I sure seems like I dodged a bullet never having gotten married. And it's definitely ideal that I never had children, having been as sick as I have been. That was a blessing.
I'm in seminary. Can you believe that? I'm in fucking seminary. I love it. School was always my favorite thing and the opportunity to be in school and study the history of Christianity has been lifesaving. I'm most interested in the intersection between religion and politics, particularly white Christian nationalism. Of course. I probably was more moderate when you knew me, but I am a pretty flaming liberal these days. Most certainly anti-capitalist. I can't believe I was able to work in the insurance industry for as long as I was. I consider it an abomination now. My ethics would never allow it. I've changed a great deal. In so many ways, in so many areas of my life, I feel as if my eyes have been opened and I have come alive.
Next to school, probably the most exciting thing about my life is that I'm fostering a one-eyed cat named Smoky. He was rescued off the streets. He has been through hell. Talk about nine lives. He's been with me about a year. He's had significant health issues and he has stressed me out beyond what I thought any animal could stress me. It really has been quite a challenge. For a long time, I wasn't sure I could do it, but I'm doing it and I will continue to do it. I know maybe a cat is not that interesting to you compared to a real live human being, but this silly cat has changed me in such profound ways.
Sometimes I think of you fondly, actually more often than not I think of you fondly, when I do think of you. And then sometimes I think about you and I get really really mad. You did some bad things; you really took advantage. And I did some bad things for which I have immense regrets. Besides taking up with you at all, I regret most that I outed you. I hurt you and I hurt your wife. I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive myself for what I did. I betrayed you in a way that I didn't think it was possible for me to betray you. And there's so much of me that's so sorry. And then there's another piece of me, a big piece, that thinks oh my God you deserved everything you got, you motherfucker. I vacillate in how I feel about you, but my regrets persist.
I did not handle myself well from start to finish. I am very sorry for what I did. Not so much sorry for you, but sorry for your wife, sorry for your family, sorry to God, but mostly sorry for me. I betrayed myself in a such a way and to such a degree I might never recover. Seven years have lessened the pain, most certainly, but the regret still eats at me. Self-forgiveness for my choice to take up with you continues to elude me. So, I guess that's me saying I'm sorry. But then there's this other part of me that just wants to slap you. A lot. Maybe give you a black eye. But I'm not a violent person. We both have paid a very high price for our poor choices. And we deserve every bit of the pain we brought on ourselves.
I have so much more to say, so much more to share. But we don't talk anymore. I talk and maybe it gets through to you, but I don't know. But it doesn't matter. I always told you that I communicate with you more for me than for you. It was nice to know you were on the other side of the emails. The affair piece of it was so insignificant compared to the friendship. Oh my God, I miss the friendship. You were my best friend for a very long time. You believed in me, you were a tremendous support, and you gave me incredible counsel. There was a part of you that was incredibly affirming. You got me through some of the worst things I experienced during that time I was in Louisville. I'll always be grateful to you for the ways in which you encouraged me and lifted me up. In so many ways, I owe you so much. In others, well, shame on you.
Regardless of my conflicted emotions, which I recognize are more a reflection of my anger towards myself than my anger towards you, I do not believe you're a bad person. You are a good man. I believe in you and I will always believe in you. You do do the right thing. You make mistakes and you make stupid choices, but in the end, you do do the right thing. We have that in common. Goodness prevails in us.
I do wish you so much happiness. I do hope you are well. I hope your family is happy and thriving. I got rid of Facebook because I'm trying to cut off my dependence on the oligarchs who support Trump, but I have a horrible Amazon addiction. So, we'll see how it goes. But anyway, I'm not on Facebook anymore so I can no longer occasionally visit Susan’s Facebook page and see pictures of you and your grandkids. But I'm so happy that you are all doing well, at least that is what the pictures show.
I wish you all good things.
All My Best,
Coco