January 20, 2022
I got banned from Tinder! I identified a fake profile, I’m pretty good at that, and I promised to wire him all sorts of money if he’d email me a real picture and a snap of his identification card, AND HE DID! But Tinder picked up the anomalies in the conversation, which were admittedly a clear violation of community standards, AND BANNED ME!
I’ve been emailing them trying to get back on. I got an email this morning my account is under review.
This was my reply:
Thank you! Thank you! Because Match and Plenty of Fish and Bumble and Hinge are so subpar to Tinder. They don’t allow me the flexibility to create a profile that really reflects who I am and the ability to set parameters to ensure my potential matches are genuine possibilities. Those other sites are just crap compared to Tinder. Even Adult Friend Finder, because that’s not what I want. I want Tinder. Tinder works! It doesn’t work for everyone, but it works for me!
Did you know that Plenty of Fish prohibits you from messaging somebody more than 14 years difference in age? That’s ridiculous. I date younger men often, and it’s a been a wonderful transformative experience! And I match with them on Tinder! Because I can!
I have genital herpes and it’s right there in my profile. When I message a match, it is one of the first things I tell them, because I want to make sure they’ve read my profile and know what HSV-2 is and what they’re dealing with. I write about it on my blog, on Reddit, on Facebook. I am completely transparent, AND MEN LEARN. Knowledge is power. And knowledge makes for better and healthier sexual and relationship choices. My experience, my research, what I write and share publicly, changes people’s sexual behavior for the better. Single people, anyone who’s dating, online or in real life, in fact everyone needs to be educated on STI’s. I am completely open about my life and my experiences living with bipolar and now I write extensively about being single and dating with genital herpes. My life is no picnic, but I have a lot to say, and I have a lot to offer. Tinder has been a wonderful outlet for me to create meaningful enduring serendipitous friendships, and my matches learn from me, and they become better men.
I’ve been on Tinder since 2017, well you guys booted me once for a day, it was probably for being mean to the fake Nigerian profiles. But I got back on. And I try really hard not to be nasty to the fakes anymore, but they do really piss me off. Because you know… you have algorithms, because I’m sure that’s how you found the violations in my conversation, but you could create an algorithm to identify people whose profile description start with, “Am a neurosurgeon…”, for example. Because an American would say, “I am a neurosurgeon…”. That’s the number one grammatical error that clues me in to the fact I’m interacting with a fake Nigerian profile. Number one indicator. And, incidentally, a neurosurgeon probably wouldn't announce he's a neurosurgeon in his Tinder profile...
And I won’t try to trap Nigerians anymore, but somebody should be doing that! I hope you guys have people, like the FBI online sex trafficker sting people, who create profiles and try to match with those nasty fake scammers and get rid of them. Those people are really horrible. My mother wired $7000 to scammers to enter the Facebook lottery. I guess it’s kind of a personal cause for me. But I recognize it’s not my problem. I need to learn to just unmatch. It’s just really hard because injustice pisses me off.
Oh, and there are a lot of Trump supporters that don’t say that in their profile descriptions. It says right in my profile I’m extremely liberal. Usually, I ask within the first few exchanges, and if we differ significantly politically, I wish them good luck on the quest and simply unmatch. A few months back, a man messaged me first just to let me know he would scream MAGA while he was ejaculating on my face! I reported him so you have that one on record. If he’d been nicer, I would’ve explained that I’m a neck down only type of girl. That’s a joke. I mean it’s true, but it’s still a joke.
Anyway. I’m going on and on here, but I really want you to recognize the myriad of benefits I bring to your community.
I know your platform; I sing your praises. You’re inferred throughout my book! I never mention you by name because I wasn’t sure of the legal ramifications. Yet it’s so obvious I’m talking about Tinder because I talk about the most popular site and how it has a reputation for being a hook-up site, but that it has not been that for me. I’m not saying I haven’t hooked up upon occasion. But primarily, the connections I’ve made have been with wonderful men that have become friends, whom I sometimes meet in real life, and with whom I sometimes have sex. But far more often, my matches become part of my network of online collaborative relationships, with lots of great conversation and the exchange of healthy strategies for successful single living. Your application provides a framework that allows single people to connect for sex, sure, but all dating sites provide for that. Do people connect for sex on Christian Mingle? You bet they do!
Tinder has the unfortunate reputation for being all about sex. But sex is never all about sex. Sex is all about connection.
Thank you for considering my argument. And please consider creating an email address that allows people who are banned, who have a compelling argument why they behaved the way they did, to state their case for reinstatement. Yeah, a lot of people are dishonest, and they are going to work the system. But I didn’t and I don’t. And there are a lot of people like me. Decent people that are kind and straightforward that do good things.
I believe with all my being most people are basically good. Most people are decent. And I find those people on Tinder. And that’s a miracle. It’s not a miracle because Tinder is where I find them, it’s a miracle because you’ve created a platform and a community which allows me to connect in meaningful ways with quality individuals.
I’ve matched with and developed long-term friendships with the owner of an award winning espresso shop, a commercial airline pilot, an attorney, a veterinarian, a best-selling author who served as my writing coach, and a laboratory technician that works for a large hospital system in Seattle. He and I have had extensive conversations about Covid and what it will take to get us through the pandemic. I met a Canadian who has become a close friend. We’ve met twice in real life (platonically). He drives truck and we have hours long conversations about American history and politics. We’ve learned tremendous things from one another. I could go on and on about the incredible men I’ve connected with on Tinder. And I do! I write about all of it.
These matches are not only friendships that make up the fabric of my life, but my experiences become content that is meaningful and helpful to singles, people that suffer with mental illness, and people newly diagnosed with genital herpes. And there’s so much more to it than just that! We are all unique, complex, wonderful, miraculous human creations.
I’ve included a link to my blog, where I write extensively about my online dating experiences. Tinder, in particular, is woven throughout so much of my life story since I started online dating. Even if you never let me back on, and I desperately hope that’s not the case, because I would seriously be devastated, but even if you never let me back on, the connections I’ve made on Tinder have contributed to my quality of life in immeasurably positive and totally unexpected ways.
Here is an excerpt from the Preface to my book:
“I’ve tried to keep it short and sweet, but I love love love to talk. And I especially love to talk about online dating because I’ve been doing it now for four years, and I’ve found it to be an overwhelmingly positive experience. I’ve grown in ways I never imagined possible. I’ve learned about men, about me, about sex, and about me and sex.
That doesn’t mean there hasn’t been some ugliness. I’ve shed many a tear. But I’ve developed some lifelong friendships with people I’ve met on dating sites. In that process, I’ve come to believe being open to friendship is far more rewarding than seeking romantic relationships. Lovers come and go but friends stay. That’s my experience. That’s what I think.
As a result of my adventures in online dating, I’ve simply become a better person. I have learned so much about who I am. I’m a better ME.”
“The game is to be where you are. Be it honestly and as consciously as you know how.”
-Ram Dass
Thank You,
Coco
P.S. This email is going to be a blog post!
Links:
My eBook: Empowered Online Dating, by Coco Densmore, available on Amazon.
My articles in The Mighty, the online mental health magazine: https://themighty.com/u/cocodensmore/
My blog: www.cocodensmore.com.
