June 29, 2023
“How do you know it’s Jeff’s wife?” another evil mistress writing all about her shame and sin on medium asked me.
“Who else could it be? Her account is new and she has few followers, myself one. I’m glad she found her voice,” I replied.
I respect Jeff’s wife immensely. I always have. She’s smart and capable and successful. She’s a good wife, an excellent mom, and although there was lots of shit wrong with their marriage, obviously, Jeff never badmouthed her.
I assume, and I can only assume because I’ll never know, but I assume they grew apart. The focus of their lives became their disabled children, and he got bored and dabbled in some dangerous passive aggressive bullshit. And then he got caught. How he thought he wouldn’t is beyond me. Duh. I’m mentally ill. Unstable. And, like most women, susceptible to the “hell hath no fury” syndrome. I really believe he wanted to get caught.
A great deal has been written about the positives that can come out of an affair. Certainly, that has proven out in many marriages. I very much hope that is the case for Jeff’s. I’ll never know. They’re still married. That I do know.
There have been so many positives for me, it’s hard to imagine I would have done things differently. Knowing what I know now, yes, of course. But the person I was then, it was almost inevitable. Yes, I’m sorry. Yes, I regret many things. But when I think about regrets, I’m surprised, and sometimes ashamed, I don’t have more. I regret having harmed others, particularly the women — his wife and his daughters. That borders on unforgivable, but I’m working through that. And yet, he deserved the pain. Which means I do too, and I own that.
I was surprised what I said about having a depth of character I didn’t have six years ago. I was happy that came out of me, I was happy to realize I know that about myself. And I’m happy I’ve found a great deal of self-forgiveness, and a level of self-acceptance that allows me to no longer despise my earlier self. At least not as much as before.
I despise my earlier self not simply for the affair, that’s only a small piece of it. I despise myself for all the ways I undermined my health and growth. But I had to walk all that out to get here and here is a better place. A good place? Getting there. Although I realize no matter how far I advance towards self-acceptance and self-love, the suffering of life can never be avoided. And there is much suffering.
I Persevere. And life goes on.
Photo by Bithin raj on Unsplash