August 8, 2021
The Louisville Vacation
Final Day's Thoughts:
If I think too long or too hard about Jeff, I feel like I might die. I won’t of course.
If I think too long or too hard about how long I’ll be in Washington, I feel like I might die. I won’t of course.
If I think too long or too hard about my mother’s rapid cognitive decline, I get very sad. It truly is the most difficult thing I’ve ever witnessed, and it’s going to get worse. For certain it will get worse. It no longer terrifies me. It just makes me so incredibly sad, there really aren’t words.
I’m not the same person I was when I landed in Louisville on July 15. I’m older. I know a lot more. I’ve figured out some very important things.
I have created new paradigms which will drive a new course. I’m not excited about these changes, because this is not an exciting season. It’s a painful season. Possibly the most painful of my life. But I’m hopeful, because at least some of my new strategies will improve the quality of relationship I have with my mother during these final years, and the quality of relationship I have with myself, inside myself. And really, that’s the key to making it all work. Fixing my perspective. And I’ve found it takes time and distance to see what I need to see to fix my perspective. This vacation may well have saved my life. It’s certainly allowed me to lay the groundwork for a greatly improved quality of life.
