I have a lot to say on this one, so buckle up!
For most of my life, my goal was to fall in love, get married, and have a family. I assumed that would happen in my 20s. It did not.
Believing I’d somehow failed by not fulfilling my plan by age 30, I found my birthday excruciatingly painful. “No black balloons!” I admonished my coworkers. “No cakes with coffins on them!” They were sensitive to my sensitivity.
My career took off in spite of my own self, in spite of the obstacles I created in my own life by devoting an inordinate amount of time to finding “The Guy”. I dated some really bad bad men. I had a really rough go of it. And it was all due to my insecurities and mistaken beliefs about the kind of life I was supposed to have. I came to believe there was something horribly wrong with me.
By the age of 40, I had achieved tremendous career success. I was loving my work and making more money than I’d ever imagined. But still, I felt something was sadly lacking because I didn’t have a partner. I couldn’t figure out why no one wanted me. I went into early menopause at the age of 41, so the opportunity to have a biological child disappeared overnight. I was devastated. But still, I was thriving at work.
By 50, I was at the top of my game. I was actively sought out for my expert knowledge and effortlessly moved from project to project due to my stellar reputation in the industry. I had the opportunity to travel all over the U.S. I’ve lived in Oregon, South Carolina, Ohio, Kentucky, and even Hawaii. I’ve spent extended periods of time in San Diego, Baltimore, and so many more cities I can’t even remember them all right now. I always had a job, and I always had a job that paid exceptionally well. But still, I felt empty. I just didn’t get why no one had picked me.
At 54, I moved to Louisville to take a prestigious management position with a large corporation. At that same time, I gave up the notion I’d ever meet someone and fall in love. Marriage just wasn’t going to happen for me. I even came to terms with the idea I’d never have sex again. It was sad, but it was necessary. I had a new job, a very demanding job, and I needed to eliminate all unnecessary distractions.
I was elated I’d finally come to terms with it all. I’d finally figured it all out. I’d finally released the idea of finding love and marriage, and I’d even given up on sex.
And then I met someone.
That someone didn’t turn out to be “The Guy” but he became my best friend. He helped me see myself for who I truly was, and he encouraged me to get out and date and meet men and let go of my outdated ideas about marriage and especially sex.
I created several online dating profiles, and within a short period of time, I was being ardently pursued by much younger men. I had an incredibly difficult time wrapping my mind around the attraction. I was usually twenty plus years older and often at least twice their size. I learned quickly there are many men who seek out “mature BBWs”, and that I was a hot commodity. So, I decided to go with it!
The first few times I had sex I was self-conscious about my body, and that’s something I’ll likely never completely overcome. You can’t erase a lifetime of fat-shaming overnight. But I made a conscious decision to be intimate with some of these exceptionally intelligent and witty young men, and boy oh boy, did I have fun!
I firmly believe the secret to my having found satisfaction being single has been to release my expectations for any particular type of relationship or relationship outcome and to focus on connecting with quality people with the goal of developing friendships. The rewards for that shift have been immense.
“Lovers come and go, but friends stay.” -Me!
An excerpt from my book How To Do Single With Dignity & Grace, available on Amazon.
Photo by Reba Spike on Unsplash