November 7, 2024
I have read and reread this post from Adam Kinzinger. I hope he is wrong, that it won’t be this bad — but no one knows what is to come. He certainly paints a worst case scenario, and I’m glad I have a pretty good picture of what that is now.
I worry things could devolve into a holocaust situation. I chastise myself for pondering this, but I have no idea how accurate my fears will turn out to be. I’m a lefty, I’m more of a moderate Never Trumper than anything else, but I’m pretty left these days. Plus, I’ve gone and flapped by big mouth all over the internet — on social media and I have a blog for goodness’ sake. Two, actually. If I ever do end up with all the rest of the libs on the kill list, I imagine my brother turning me in. I’ve seen enough movies where the German relative fingers her sister and brother-in-law for hiding Jews in the attic. He has always had power over me, and he has deeply wounded me. I recognize that at this point in my life, he only has the power I give him, but because of the pain he’s inflicted, my fear of him persists.
It seems ludicrous that I even allow such thoughts to take up space in my mind, but I do. Because it did happen then. There is no guarantee it will not happen again. And in fact, it is bound to happen again, somewhere sometime. I never would have imagined it would even be a possibility in the United States, but I’ll never take anything for granted about this country again. It can happen anywhere anytime, and it does.
I’m listing this second, but actually, this is my primary concern. I ache for my friends who are part of marginalized groups. A black friend in our Intro to Theology group chat sent a heart-rending text today:
“I don’t have the words of how I feel. I feel racism and sexism and misogyny more than I’ve ever have in my life. How can there be so many people that have this mindset?! That means 1 in every 2 people…1/2 the population of this nation is anti-me 😢. I talked to God and I promise the Holy Spirit let me know God is still with those who love him/her. Just like the believers in countries like Russia and Korea. They have horrible leaders. Now we do too. I feel betrayed but know I am not forsaken.”
I responded:
“I cannot begin to imagine what you’re going through because I’m sure it’s magnitudes larger than what I’m experiencing, and I’m experiencing terror. What you said, though, one in two people support him, that also means that one in two people support you. One in two people see you and hear you and fight for you. Half the country is for you.”
I gave her that reassurance in spite of the nagging knowledge that when things get tough, there will no longer be one in two people who are willing to take a stand on her behalf. During election night coverage, JVL said, “When crises come, you actually can’t count on people to do the right thing.” There is truth to that. I desperately want to believe I am one of those who will put aside fear and act to advance the higher good. But I’ve never been in such a high stakes situation, and I really don’t know how I would choose. I would like to believe I would choose right, but I simply do not know. Probably more than anything, I fear I would fail the people who need me most in a time of crisis. I hope to God I never have to find out.
And then with the worldwide recession looming, and with the potential for cuts to my income and benefits, I worry about money. But that’s pretty par for the course. I had become accustomed to not worrying so much, because I’d become accustomed to successfully living on so much less than before. But now I’m back to worrying about money, a lot, again. I don’t like that about me. I want to live in the moment, free from dread of what the future may have in store. But perhaps that is not possible for any of us, and particularly not in times such as these.
When I am afraid for my personal comfort, I compare myself to Paul when he said, “I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through Christ who gives me strength.” I fall woefully short in the comparison, but perhaps I shouldn’t compare myself to Paul. He was a saint, after all.