March 9, 2023
It’s been a while. I’ve let other pursuits take priority over writing. Not sure if that’s a good thing. Perhaps at times. It’s never good to hyper focus on one thing.
I was pondering on a topic, and I started to run through all the things my Inner Coco said to me, screamed at me, over the last five and half months with David. Probably each of these thoughts cover a day or so, a week or so, or they run together in just a matter of hours. Thoughts and feelings and learnings are never sequential; they’re inconsecutive, intermittent, iterative. A bit of a jumbled mess, actually, but I see clear progress just the same. It’s so interesting to see how a relationship evolves.
Here goes:
This guy is interesting. And smart. And really nice. Very kind. I like him.
He’s funny. He’s got a smart assed comeback for everything. I’m not sure if it’s to entertain me or throw me off track. Oh well, I’m sticking with this, let’s see where it goes.
Oh wow, I think he likes me, too. Weird.
Do I really like him? I don’t know. He’s smart, but resists being serious. Always with the flippant retorts. They make me laugh, though. For sure.
He seems to really like me. I don’t know. I just don’t know.
He really likes me, he’s consistent, he’s attentive.
Do I like him? I mean, really?
Ya, maybe. Maybe some. Maybe a lot.
OMG! He told me he loves me! But he was drunk. So was I. Maybe I imagined it.
No, I didn’t. He said it three times.
OK. Do I love him? I don’t know.
He stopped telling me he loves me.
I asked him if his feelings had changed. I teared up, wiped at my eyes.
No. He said. He still feels the same.
Really?
Yes. Really.
OK. Well then. I guess I love you, too.
I’m going to start saying it.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
Nothing. Blank stares. Deer in the headlights.
Well fuck. Did I go there again? Seriously? Another emotionally unavailable man? Did I not see it? Or was he putting on an act? Nah, the guy isn’t capable of manipulation. He’s guileless.
Lots of negotiations RE: Affection and Words of Affirmation. My “love language” (yes, I know, VOMIT!)
He says I love you, now. Occasionally, sparingly, almost grudgingly.
More negotiations.
Get with the program, Mister. I can’t be with someone that doesn’t meet my needs.
And then he tells me he wants time to himself.
WHAT THE FUCK SERIOUSLY?
I thought we were full speed ahead.
I mean WHAT THE FUCK SERIOUSLY?
Well, it turns out, not so seriously.
I think he got scared. Be careful what you wish for and all of that.
He’s just learning who he is as a single person. But he needs to figure out if he wants to be in a relationship. Or not.
He needs to GET REAL AND GET HONEST.
Lots more painful negotiations.
SHIT. I gotta cool it here, or I’m going to wear this guy out. I know this because I’ve worn myself out.
Chill, Coco.
Just chill.
Okay. Back to a bit of fun, a bit of playfulness.
I want to just see how this plays out. I don’t want to manipulate, coerce, drive, force. Basically, I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IT UP.
This is a really lovely thing I’ve got with this man. I want this. I want this to keep going.
He seems to be back on board.
In fact, he seems to want and need me as much as I want and need him.
We’re in lockstep here, it’s not perfect, but we’re moving in concert.
Is it OK to trust these feelings? Is it OK to trust HIM?
Maybe. I’d sure like to rest in this. But I don’t know. I just don’t know.
I want him to know he can take a time out. I tell him that. I don’t tell him that a lot, but I give him subtle outs. I am OK if he wants a week off here and there. I know he’s in this with me. I’m not afraid anymore. At least not a lot. I’m still afraid. Who am I kidding? I’m afraid. Just not fearful.
What might the future look like?
I don’t know. I really don’t. There’s my mom. The timeline is uncertain.
Reel it in, Coco. Don’t think ahead. Just live for now. Just enjoy him for now.
The doctor gives him a positive prognosis, so it’s not as dire as I assumed. We have time. How much time? I have no idea. But a little while, I think.
What does he see in me? Seriously. What? He gets so annoyed when I ask. He just scoffs and turns his head. He won’t dignify me with a response.
I’ve no reason to ask. Actions speak. Why do I want words? My “love language” (yes, I know, VOMIT!)
I can let it rest. Actions speak.
Sometimes it really eats at me. I need to hear it. I really really do.
But he’s not going to magically change and all of a sudden meet my need for verbal affirmation. Not realistic to expect. Is that OK with me, that I won’t have that from him? I don’t know. I really don’t.
So I ask, sometimes. Sometimes I tell him what I want him to say. He says it. Sometimes. Often with a whole lot of snarky mixed in. But it’s clear he wants me to be happy. He wants me to feel safe and loved. He tries. He tries hard. Actions speak.
I get to choose how I want to frame this thing — do I really need him to meet my need to hear the words? Or do I need to relax into this and stop needing something from him that (1) I don’t have a right to expect given who he is, and (2) I don’t really need if I choose to rest in who I am.
For fuck’s sake. I really do wear myself out at times.
I’m glad he gets me enough to know when to overlook my drama. I’m glad he likes me enough to power through the emotion, the tears.
Am I high maintenance? I don’t think so. Maybe I am. Sometimes.
Should I try to be different? I don’t know. Maybe.
Is it possible?
I don’t know.
Probably not.
I do know the more secure I feel, the more positive change will ensue.
Feeling secure is my choice. I don’t need him to feel secure. I am secure in who I am, alone.
Wow. If only I believed that all of the time.
I’m better. I keep getting better…
I’m mentally stronger and healthier than I’ve ever been.
Is that because of him? Or me? Or him and me?
Probably him and me. It’s a very positive thing we’re building here.
Being a couple doesn’t make things better or easier, but it sure helps.
