June 26, 2022
Ya, so God Counts the Tears of Women. Big fucking deal.
Here’s some of the insecurity:
· A good feminist doesn’t pin her mental state on the things her lover says and does.
· A good feminist doesn’t interpret the things her lover says as a statement about who she is and her worth as a person.
I wonder why I give a FUCK what a good feminist does or doesn’t do. I’m a good feminist. I know that already. I always have been. Just sometimes a stupid person, but always a good feminist.
A reasonable (read: SANE) person doesn’t interpret a person’s request for space as rejection.
Maybe it’s time for the Death of Ego, because this clearly isn’t about me. That’s one thing that’s clear. This isn’t about me. But the effect on me is uncomfortably, significantly, profoundly ugly.
Maybe it’s time I throw in the towel on this one, because I will never understand someone that doesn’t seek closeness and comfort when they’re in pain and distress, but instead the exact opposite. I mean WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?
Is it right for me to subjugate my needs for a short period of time? (ANSWER: YES). What is a “short period of time”? What is a “short period of time”? What’s “fair” for him? For me? Is this about fairness? Or is this about learning to give your partner the space he needs to process through what he needs to process through on his own timeline? And if that timeline draws on, making a decision about whether or not that works for me when the time is right to make that decision? I hit the nail on the head on this one. Fuck. I am so smart sometimes.
Should I post this? Because then the jig is up, no question about it. He’ll read it. He reads my work. He’ll know exactly how much this affects me. Will he feel obligated to venture out from isolation in order to keep things in balance with me? Probably. I know this relationship is pretty valuable to him. How valuable is it if he is doing something that goes against who he is just to keep me in his life? Not very valuable. Appeasement is empty. Appeasement is the one thing I know I do not want.
